How Narcissists Target Wounds
Narcissists connect with you deeply – or so it seems. And this is exactly how a narcissist needs to operate, because they fear people. You see narcissists are hugely insecure, they have fragile egos, they don’t trust others, and their beliefs and behaviours are very egoic (outer survival based) and steeped in fear, competition, lack and neediness.
This means that narcissists need to control others. Somewhere in their past they learnt that their True Self was not adequate to get its needs met, and what was required to not be emotionally annihilated was a False Self – a buffer – that could pretend to be someone who the narcissist is not and manipulate, deceive and avoid accountability. The False Self defences are this: “If I control you, you can’t hurt me again”.
This is the replay of original childhood wounds, this time as a more equipped and practiced adult, using tactics to survive from the terror of the alive and festering wounds inside the narcissist – wounds of childhood neglect, abuse or enmeshment.
(It is vital to understand that old unhealed stuff is KEY in regard to anyone’s destructive, self-destructive, unwholesome or unhealthy behaviour. And I really want you to absorb that statement, because then you can understand exactly how that has played out for you.)
Therefore the narcissist needs to “know thy enemy” – anyone close to him or her. The narcissist gets to know you intimately, and in order to gather information he or she asks questions and listens attentively, to find your weakspots.
The narcissist knows that by hitting these weakspots that you are crippled emotionally and this causes you to hand power over by regressing into reactivity and helplessness and powerlessness.
The narcissist discovered the following at a very early age – deliver low blows that are people’s “chinks” and you can control them.
And it works every time, because when we have our own unhealed, unfinished childhood business we become “that child” emotionally in the fray. We try to make the narcissist change his or her opinion of us. We try to get them to “take it back”, and we try to make him or her “get” how wrong that statement / behaviour / action was.
We pretend we are the parent trying to get a narcissist to behave like a mature, respectful adult and be “decent”.