So what does it actually feel like?
A that point, I have several things in my mind. And what always surprises me is the overwhelming feeling of guilt and disappointment and how it drags me even further down. Not only do I always feel like I’ve let myself down, I feel like I’ve let my parents, college and friends down. I worry what people will think about me now. Especially when college was still such a new environment during the last few months, nobody knew that side of me, and I was having to expose it un-readily at an early stage.
The other thing I feel is the numbness, desolation and heaviness of heart that first triggered this whole episode in the first place. And I always feel like I need to find a cause, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t; it is nearly always completely spontaneous or just a prolonged feeling that started so long ago I can’t remember what might’ve done this. And I’ve just been hiding it so well that as soon as my mind has an empty spot, I start processing how bad I really feel.
And the problem is it starts so not-noticeably. First, I no longer want to do work, then I don’t want to go into college, then I don’t want to see my friends or family, then I don’t want to go out at all, then I don’t want to do the things that used to be fun, then I don’t want to eat, then I don’t want to sleep, and then suddenly, I just don’t want to live. Which is a hard path to walk away from, as many of us will know.